Well, I used to think that I could write this blog with little or no pressure at all because all of my readership was either family or friends. One of the unintended consequences of yesterday's experiment (with the help of the awesome Amalah) was that I now have way more readers, from all over the world (Norway? are you kidding me?), who have let me know, in no uncertain terms, that they are excited to see what I have to say on this blog. Wonderful. Nothing like pressure.
So for this, my first post AA, or "After Amalah," I decided to write about my observations about the first week of fatherhood. Truth be told, it's not too bad. Now, I am fairly certain that this has everything to do with the fact that we have the most calm baby ever. In fact she is currently working on her first book, The Zen of Being a Baby. The only time that Chickpea cries is to let us know that she has soiled herself or if she is hungry, but one is leaps and bounds more important to her than the other. If hungry, she cries and cries. If soiled, well, she just cries a little bit, as if to say "I have soiled myself" and then waits patiently for us to change her. I'm not sure if I should be happy or worried that my baby chooses to wallow in her own crap.
Something that they don't tell you about when you go to your birthing classes is that you will basically not be able to sleep when you bring your baby home. No, not for the reasons you would think. You see, this little person is 100% dependent on you, and you, being the neophyte parent, have 0% of a clue as to what you are doing. Therefore, you start to think that you are responsible for some of life's more mundane and automatic tasks like, oh I don't know, breathing. Every five minutes we were checking Chickpea the first night to make sure she was still breathing. The easy solution to this problem turns out to be a motion sensing device you can buy at your local Babies R Us. It's a weight sensing device you slip under the mattress, and sounds an alarm if it doesn't sense breathing or any other movement for 20 seconds. Peace of mind apparently costs $99.99. This is a strong, strong product endorsement for the new parent.
For all of the parents to be out there, here's another one that I didn't know. People will tell you that you will be tired all the time, and it stands to reason that you would be tired because you are getting no sleep. That's not the case. It's all of the interrupted sleep that's the problem. When a child needs to eat every three hours, you tell me how you are going to feel like a human being in the morning. Even if you get three stints of three hours, you are dog tired in the morning. I rarely need more than five hours of sleep a night, but I have been tired all week. It's nice that both my wife and I are home this week, so we can play tag team on taking naps during the day, but "night" has somehow lost its meaning.
I could write about the poop and the feeding, but those are the widely covered topics elsewhere in the blogosphere. No, you will find me trying to dish the straight poop (pun intended) on the topics no one seems to talk about. No one told me my wife would lose it on the drive home from the hospital. Why? I really don't have the foggiest idea. I think she didn't like my music selection. Apparently, she didn't like it at all. She lost it today too. Something about not wanting to hand the kid to a stranger in day care in six weeks. Yes, six weeks away, but let's cry about it now. Crying. Well, I tried the whole "Tom Cruise has studied psychology and he said you shouldn't be crying" thing, but that didn't work. I was at a loss for Tom Cruise wisdom to drop on my wife to get her to calm down. A well placed kiss and hug did the trick. Be warned, they will cry. Be ready with a hug and a kiss or things will get ugly fast. Oh, and Starbucks. Wives can be bought off with Starbucks.